Quick Thoughts: For Couples
Some quick thoughts from Chris and Jamie
Throughout the month we send text messages to couples to encourage them individually, in their marriage, and in their faith. Below are some snippets that our text subscribers receive!
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Research shows that couples who pursue faith together have healthier marriages. But so often simple ideas to connect spiritually evade us, or end up in the “important not urgent” quadrant of our lives. Jamie and I recognized this early, and created one simple solution. In my calendar there is a daily reminder at noon. It says, “Pray with Jamie.” When I see it, I call, and ask, “How can I pray today?” She shares, I share, and we pray briefly. The whole interaction takes 3-5 minutes. We leave closer to Jesus and one another. The short reps build muscles that welcome prayer as a natural part of our marriage. Small prayer, BIG return. TAKE ACTION: Set a daily reminder in your phone to call your spouse and ask “How can I pray for you today?” Then pray! Try it for 7 days and enjoy the fruit!
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This week turn towards! Research shows that couples who turn TOWARDS their spouse experience greater connection. What’s turning towards? When your spouse comes home from work: Stop, welcome them, and give them a hug. When they initiate conversation: Put down the phone, look them in the eye, and respond. When they try to hug or hold hands: Grip tighter, and snuggle closer. When their body language says they’re distraught: Stop and ask, “Hey are you okay? How can I help?” Turning towards says, “I see you and I accept your invitation for intimacy.” Not turning towards however, builds walls and hurts intimacy. There’s a slow consequence when you don’t turn towards. TAKE ACTION: Consciously “turn towards” your spouse at least once a day. Your marriage will be thankful you did!
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This week just say it! What do we mean? Notice. Compliment. Thank. Look-for. Acknowledge. Then… SAY IT! There’s so many opportunities throughout the moments of the day to say it. As they leave the house, “You look great today.” They unload the dishwasher, “Appreciate you doing the dishes!” You see a talent, “You’re so good at that.” You notice a character trait, “I love your (integrity/kindness/discipline/etc.).” When you affirm your spouse verbally, you will notice their endearing qualities more. Outlook affects outcome. When you choose to say it, you make a deposit that compounds your love for one another! TAKE ACTION: Set a daily reminder in your phone to “just say it,” whether it’s verbally or over text. Take a few seconds to notice and tell your spouse how much you appreciate them!
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When facing conflict or challenge, a powerful phrase we have said to one another over the years is: “Same team.” A same team mentality helps us avoid blaming one another and fixating on the conflict. It positions us shoulder to shoulder on the same side of the table with a solution mindset. Then, we try to solve the conflict together, like working on a puzzle. If we begin moving towards blame, one of us will pause, and say, “Honey, same team.” This pause reminds us of what is true. We trust each other, are for each other, and can solve this together. “Same team” keeps us unified, connected, and together through conflict or challenge. “Same Team!” TAKE ACTION: Try to use the phrase: “Same team” after you experience a win, or if you are in conflict. It’s a great protector and encourager.
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Research shows it takes just seconds to intimately connect with one another. The moment you hug, kiss, or hold hands it reduces stress hormones and increases Oxytocin, your love hormone. A recent study showed a 6-second kiss, 20-second hug, or 60 seconds of holding hands creates relational sparks throughout the day. It even reduces tension between couples during conflict as the power of touch washes away the stress. Isn’t it amazing how God created touch? Only He could design 86 seconds to make such an impact on our marriage! TAKE ACTION: Try a 6-second kiss, 20-second hug, and 60 seconds of holding hands each day. We believe this connection will be the best 602 seconds of your week.
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Easy and creative nights: The unicorn of marriage. So often date night eludes us because we’re tired, we don’t have time or ideas, we think it needs to be big and extravagant, or it’s just easier to watch TV. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a few easy date ideas so we can connect? Well look no further because the date night unicorn has landed! Below are 5 one-hour dates that are economical, FUN, and create meaningful connection. These aren’t rocket science, but common sense isn’t always common practice. So enjoy the catchy titles, click on this link for details, and enjoy!
5 Easy Hour-Long Dates
Walk the Block
Drive to the Drive Thru
Recounting with Cards
Lottery Bowl
Story Time
TAKE ACTION: Look over the ideas on the link and try to schedule three dates in the upcoming weeks or months.
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Making big decisions together can be tricky, and being on the same page is essential. One of our favorite sayings is, "If we are in tune with Jesus, we will be in tune with one another." When we need to make a big decision, we take time alone and listen to Jesus through 5 sources: His Word, wise counsel, our desires, the Holy Spirit (listening prayer), and assessing our circumstances. Adding a fast to the process can expedite clarity. After a few days, we come together and compare notes. If we aren't in alignment, we repeat the process until we have peace about the decision. We find the closeness we gain with God and each other along the way is what matters most. God is bigger than our biggest choices. He speaks when we ask, “Lord, what should we do?” Amen! TAKE ACTION: Consider a decision you must make together and try this process.
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There’s something meaningful when you notice and affirm (Spouse Name) through two simple but powerful words: “Thank you.” Research shows that spouses who practice communicating gratitude are more fond of one another, navigate conflict quicker, and report greater satisfaction in marriage. “Thank you” is a deposit that fills your spouse's cup. It also compounds over time building a culture of connection and intimacy. Not only does thanking (spouse name) bless your marriage, but it also blesses their self-esteem and emotional health. Whether you say it a lot or need to rebuild this muscle, saying “Thank you” is one of the quickest and most effective ways to build intimacy. TAKE ACTION: Put a daily reminder in your phone to say thank you. “I just wanted to thank you for…” If you pray about it, God will help you notice. Then simply say it!
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When we prioritize the "important but not urgent" aspects of our relationship, it greatly enriches our marriage. It's easy to let days pass without praying together, months without a date night, or even years without a vacation. These may not seem urgent, but their absence over time can negatively impact our marriage. By protecting these "important" rhythms, we find other parts of our lives seem to fall into place. Saying "No" to one thing may really mean saying "Yes" to something better. When we sense ourselves drifting, we do a reset and ask “Does our use of time reflect who and what is most important to us?” Then, we do our best to reintegrate the “important” into our rhythms. TAKE ACTION: Review your weekly and monthly routines. Is there anything you can eliminate? Can you incorporate one important but non-urgent activity? You've got this!
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In March, we shared 5 simple date ideas and promised you a 2nd round. Ding ding ding! “Round 2!” When we step out of the norm and try something new, it creates a fun memory. But what to do? Below is our 2nd round of 5 simple date ideas. The link also includes our 5 date ideas from March. That’s 10 great dates! These dates are easy, intentional, and economical. Click this link for the details! Here’s a short preview.
Bikes, Blankets, Beverage
All Trails
Camping Chair, Fresh Air, and a Few Q’s
Tea-Toasts
Five and Older
TAKE ACTION: Put one of the dates on your calendar.
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We love to laugh: inside jokes, corny voices, and funny stories. Laughter fuels connection in our marriage. And yet, we often forget how important it is! Studies show couples who laugh together are happier in their relationship. By not taking life too seriously, you experience some SERIOUSLY amazing benefits! A recent study shows the impact of laughter on your marriage.
Floods your bodies with good hormones
Lessens your defensiveness
Improves communication and listening
Adds a sense of excitement to the marriage
Relieves stress
Heightens physical intimacy
Increases gratitude toward your spouse
Helps you navigate hard times
Improves both spouse’s health
TAKE ACTION: Laugh together! Share a joke, recount a funny memory, or let your silly self out. Embrace the awkwardness! Engage with one another’s goofiness, and do what makes you both smile.
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Did you know that couples who pursue faith together have happier marriages? When we are in tune with Jesus, we tend to be more in tune as a couple. But when the busyness of life piles on, our faith can take a back seat, and our marriage suffers. How can we make a shift? Jamie and I have tried several simple rhythms at different times throughout our journey, and they have helped. Some are daily, and others are weekly or monthly. A preview is below, with the entire list can be found here. Adding a small habit can make a big impact.
Ideas to Connect Spiritually: Prayer Alarm; His Word Last Word; Car Prayer; The Marriage Journal; ACTS walk; Gospel and Psalm; ½ Day Away.
VIEW 10 SIMPLE WAYS TO CONNECT SPIRITUALLY
TAKE ACTION: Review the link and try one of the ideas together!another’s goofiness, and do what makes you both smile.
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Research shows healthy couples know one another’s world. When you know the big AND the little things about one another, your fondness grows. Remember events from your spouse’s life, and build that knowledge as their story unfolds. Understanding their worries and goals also helps you weather storms together. Question: How does this happen? Answer: Keep asking! Thoughtful questions lead to great conversations, deepening your connection. Sometimes, Jamie will say, “Pick a question.” Then, we will ask one from this list and continue learning about one another.
TAKE ACTION: Review the questions below, and when you have time together, ask one! Start the journey of greater joy through a simple question. -
In 2018, a 30-day study was done with 2 identical plants. Encouraging words were spoken over one and negative ones over the other. What happened? The positive plant thrived, and the negative one withered. Our words hold power. So often, when I get frustrated or flooded, I become harsh and critical. My tone, body language, and words can suck the life out of Jamie. If not regulated, she shuts down, and we fail to experience connection and intimacy. When my emotions get big, and I want to react with harsh words, I try to pause by saying a short breath prayer: “Speak life.” This reminds me that my words hold power, I can respond vs. react, and my voice can nourish Jamie.
TAKE ACTION: Affirm notice and thank each other. In moments of emotion, pause and use the breath prayer, “Speak life.” Choose to nourish one another with your words. -
Catchy title, eh? All jokes aside, I can find myself sharing a thought or frustration with Chris by saying, "Honey, I love you, but…” A recent article from John and Julie Gottman made me rethink this approach. Using “but” instead of "and" sounds dismissive and puts Chris on the defensive. The word “but” cancels out everything that comes before it. When I say, "I love you, but..." he only hears the negative.
"Honey, I love you, and…” feels more supportive and unifying and communicates that we're on the same team. It's a simple change that fosters understanding and connection instead of hurt and division.
TAKE ACTION: Take a moment to reflect. Do you find yourself using "but" with your spouse? If so, try swapping it with "and" when expressing a thought or frustration. And… (see what we did there?) we promise you will see the fruit! -
“Are your problems bigger than God, or is God bigger than your problems?” - Mark Batterson. Or, to put it another way, “God is bigger than The Boogie Man, and He’s watching out for you and me.” - Bob the Tomato. A breath prayer we often use is “God is bigger.” Life’s struggles can disorient, overwhelm, and create division. A profound remedy is to pause, hold hands, and pray a simple prayer: “God, you are bigger.” “You are bigger than: _______.” When we pause and invite God’s authority over our problems, it deepens our trust in Jesus and strengthens our connection. It brings a peace that passes understanding and hope in a God who is big and powerful. It opens the door for His transformative power to work. God IS bigger.
TAKE ACTION: Take a moment, hold hands with one another and pray, declaring God’s authority: “Lord, you are bigger than…” This practice invites His peace, hope, and power into your marriage. -
The events of our day dramatically impact our evening. Toward the end of the workday, Jamie and I have a quick check-in, typically a 30-second call or text exchange. It gives us valuable insight into one another’s needs and emotional state. For example, I will ask Jamie, “On a scale of 1-5, where are you at? What do you need tonight?” She might reply, “I’m at a 2. The kids were tough today. If you could set the table for dinner, that would be a big help.” I respond, “So sorry to hear that. Love you. I’m on it!” Then, I share my number and need. This 30 seconds makes all the difference. It strengthens our connection, prepares us for the night, and builds our “same team” culture.
TAKE ACTION: Try having this conversation as you transition into your evening. Sharing your number and need will give your team a win!
